lol they made the botch the thumbnail.
Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, our headliner is a Jacob Fatu I was recommended- a super-messy weapons brawl with Mads Krugger over in MLW! Come see batons, a chain, a roll of barbed wire, chairs, a ladder, a kendo stick, ANTHRAX, and most terrifyingly, a BOX WITH LIGHTS AND SMOKE IN IT, all in the name of carrying some 2/10 slug to a watchable match by Fatu!
Next up, it’s the match that was part of one of wrestling’s most infamous promos- Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer cuts one of the worst promos in history as he prepares to take on Motley Cruz! Come see a mat classic in the making! Who will turn the tables in the wrong way on whom!?
Next up, we have a fascinating WCW Pro match with a VERY messed-up Steven Regal teaming up with Dave Taylor against Silver King & La Parka in a match that’s both a huge style clash and full of Regal confusing everyone with bizarre choices. Then a main event in any arena in the country, as Hacksaw Jim Duggan takes on JTTS loser Damian DeMento! Finally, it’s a pair of Bill Goldberg vs. Rocco Rock matches, as they run the same finish one year apart!
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION MATCH:
JACOB FATU vs. MADS KRUGGER:
(Major League Wrestling, 2022)
* So when I was checking out Jacob Fatu matches for reasons totally unrelated to attempting to draw eyeballs via featuring a current hot WWE act, I had this one suggested to me as a fascinating mess. I think did my usual thing, which was to review a couple matches and then move on, leaving this on the “To Do” list for ages, but here it is! This is based off of the break-up of their “Contra” stable. Fatu was at this point a major MLW star, and Krugger is… a guy I’ve never heard of. Looks to be an Abyss rip-off (who… was a Kane/Mankind rip-off, so I guess Krugger is a Kane rip-off)- a huge guy with a mask. But with military gear. Billed at seven feet, which is like 6’7″ these days I think (his actual billed height on Wikipedia is 6’10”, so probably). If he’s that big and spent his entire career (since 2012) on the indies I must assume he sucks. Not much physique, but he’s tall. Phrederic says he just likes the indie garbage stuff. Fatu is chubbier back then, mostly in the chest. A “Weapons of Mass Destruction Match” has the ringside area “Weaponized” with “Military-Grade Equipment” stashed around ringside, and cases full of weapons as well. The best touch is the referee wearing arm-length HAZMAT gloves and a mask to sell all this nonsense, and there’s a giant box smoking with “biohazardous” materials. This is so indie and overwrought- I love it.
Fatu comes down and immediately rifles a chair into Krugger’s face after the intros- Krugger tries a dive but gets chaired in the head. The first case is unlatched, revealing a kendo stick (famous for its use in militaries around the world), and Fatu addresses Krugger as “motherfucker” before smashing him in the head with it. “Get the fuck outta the way, Charlie!” he shouts as the cameraman as he keeps swinging, but Krugger shoves him away and opens another cabinet to reveal twin nightsticks. He makes like Killer Instict‘s Orchid on Fatu, but randomly drops these lethal weapons and grabs a tiny chain hidden inside a military-grade… hollowed out suitcase, but Fatu blocks it and chokes him with his sarong. Fatu picks up a box labeled “Anthrax” in duct tape (like a military would!), but mostly controls with chairshots. He goes to get the kendo stick but then Krugger THROWS ANTHRAX IN HIS FACE OH MY GOD! Then Krugger gets the most awful powerbomb ever, hauling Fatu up on the apron but literally falling sideways so they both flatten the table. Could have killed Fatu on that one. Krugger finally recovers and gets a can of gasoline and a lighter while Fatu writhes around and commentary keeps coughing from the anthrax and saying it’s burning their eyes- good show. Fatu mounts a comeback but charges into a boot, and when Krugger grabs a club Fatu hits a weird flipping spear/takedown. Fatu grabs that club, but Krugger grabs him with a bad front-face slam out of a double-choke, then smokes him with the club instead, and lays the Contra flag over Fatu and POURS GASOLINE ON HIM, but Fatu kips up while he’s fucking around with the lighter and knocks him to the floor and hits a monster dive over the top rope!
They slug it out and exchange backdrop suplexes, but Fatu ignores a chokeslam/backbreaker and hits a German into a pop-up Samoan drop, but Krugger’s up quick and hits Adam Cole’s horrible Bunnyhop Destroyer (lol why is a giant dude doing that?), but Fatu hits a superkick into a run-up corkscrew dive, and goes way far on a Hop-Up Moonsault, rolling Krugger to the floor and hitting a dive for a double-down. Fatu lays him on a stretcher and puts on some gloves to lay a roll of barbed wire on him (Krugger almost distractingly clearly fine and not selling) and hit a flying splash to the floor! Fatu rolls him in, but Krugger puts on a horrible triangle choke attempt, letting go when Fatu tries to pin him. Krugger drops him and some dudes in black (the “Sentai Death Squad”) run out at Krugger’s direction and get him a ladder and other weapons, while also trying to take apart the ring ropes. Fatu beats up the Death Squad, but gets turned inside out with a lariat, then comes back with a chairshot and hahahaha Krugger just leans onto the table and it breaks because it was pre-cut too much. The intended spot ruined, Fatu instead climbs the ladder (the ref noticeably holding it up) for a regular Flying Splash. Oh, that’s the three at (16:26). Oof- they fucked up the FINISH? Fatu calls the ref over to check out his arm, which is hanging loose after the spot- looks like he smashed his arm down too hard on the landing. Thankfully they get into a brawl in the post-match melee and Fatu SHOVES HIM INTO THE SMOKING CRATE, which “erupts” with bright spotlights and sprays of smoke! Fatu steals his mask as a war trophy while Krugger presumably dies in agony from the lethal gases. What utter nonsense, haha- saves the whole match. The best part is commentary coughing while all the fans at point blank range are just cheering.
People were describing this as a completely wild match, and while there’s a couple unique spots, it’s mostly the usual “pick up a weapon, use it, then drop it for more stuff” kind of “Walk & Brawl”, which is funny when you have deadly weapons like police batons and war-clubs and you use them once and then try to hit a Canadian Destroyer, lol. Never mind buggering that powerbomb spot (which could have gone WAY south), ignoring whatever they were trying to do with the ropes (did they just give up, realizing it would take too long to unlatch all the ropes?) and the finish. Also funny that a box of powder labeled “anthrax” is an early match spot that leads to nothing and neither guy selling blindness or breathing problems, haha. And that GIANT SMOKING BOX thankfully got used- I wrote a thing bitching about not using it and then remembered to watch the rest of the video! Honestly most of it was just ass, though you could tell Fatu was legit, doing crazy flying dives and good superkicks to save a match against a worthless 2/10 scrub opponent who was stumbling around looking unathletic, barely able to sell. I do love the notion of this hateful match with tons of swearing and promises of violence yet there’s not a single drop of blood and the finish with the box wouldn’t look out of place in a 1990 WWF card, and we’d still be making fun of it to this day.
Rating: **1/2 (total carry-job by Fatu, some basic “weapon smash & walk” stuff, then the stupid thing with the box saves it from ** territory, lol. … what? IT HAD A PAY-OFF!)
MOTLEY CRUZ vs. JUMPIN’ JEFF FARMER:
(IPW, maybe 1982?)
* Oh yes! The famous clip of a young Jeff Farmer (“… YEP!”) cutting a terrible promo (what’s funniest about it is that it’s PRE-RECORDED, meaning someone either thought it was good enough, or it was the best take!) on Motley Cruz for turning the tables on him in the wrong way. AND HERE’S THE REBUTTAL! And it’s a short, hairy guy putting on a “Wolfman Jack” voice saying “The last time you crawled into the ring with me… don’t you remembere what happened? MOTLEY PUT THE PANCAKE ON YOU!” then adds a spine-chilling “You come my way… defeat is waitin’ on you, SON!”. Jake Roberts, move over. Jumpin’ Jeff is a hilariously skinny teenage boy-lookin’ dude in red shorts- a phenomenal look for a hapless dweeb but not so much a vengeful babyface. Cruz (also known as David Price) has a big gut and pink & black tights.
They do some tight lockups into the ropes, Farmer responding to cheap shots with scintillating forearms from those noodle-like arms of his. Farmer keeps hitting armdrags into the pit-hold, both guys clearing having been trained but just doing the barebones basics at this point. I gotta say the crowd sounds suspiciously riotous considering there’s like 40 people here watching. Cruz fights back with some punches to the ribs & kidneys, making sure the ref can’t see it. haha I’ll give Jeff this, he can sell like a good skinny kid- writhing in agony, holding his arm awkwardly on his back to show the pain, etc. After like ten of these shots (things aren’t his… going his way!) , Cruz finally hits a different move, firing off a backbreaker. Elbows, knees, overhand strikes, etc., as Cruz just won’t try a different tactic, but Jeff finally fights up- Cruz has him… mad now! Right hand! Right hand! Dropkick! He mounts him in the corner to do the “ten punches” spot, but after three he backflips off and charges in, but MOTLEY TURNS THE TABLES ON HIM IN THE WRONG WAY, dodging him to send poor Farmer shoulder-first into the post! Cruz hits a slingshot suplex and then puts the pancake on him for… a two-count! This AEW bullshit with finisher-killing! Cruz just keeps on the kidneys, finally hitting a camel clutch to the point of ripping into the poor kid’s nose, but Farmer finally reverses a whip into the corner and does a flying face-hump to Cruz. Cruz reverses his own whip, both guys looking dead-tired, but Farmer counters a slam to a FULL FORCE inside cradle and pins him at (8:15)! … YEP!
Actually a near-cromulent match, as both guys were clearly trained, though Farmer was so limited he mostly had to sell as Cruz hit something like 35 shots to the kidneys, doing the “Walk & Brawl” the entire time to kill time. To be fair, Farmer at least had selling down, arching his back in pain and hitting the mat off of every shot. Cruz even kept up the moves to the back, using a backbreaker, clutch, slingshot suplex, etc., to work the kid over. But Farmer’s offense was all limp and nothing, and Cruz was seemingly carrying him right until the end with a small package outta nowhere.
Rating: *1/2 (no mat classic or nothing but pretty good considering how limited Farmer seemed to be)
LORD STEVEN REGAL & DAVE TAYLOR vs. LA PARKA & SILVER KING:
(WCW Pro, March 14th 1998)
* I could only find a JIP version of this, but what a fun mish-mash of guys! Both English-style and Lucha-style are kind of hard for American wrestlers to grok, so most of these guys dumbed it down when fighting guys in the U.S…. but against EACH OTHER? Fascinating. Regal’s in a maroon singlet, Taylor blue trunks, SK black/silver trunks and Parka in the usual.
We start with Regal wrestling La Parka and the commentators being confused if there was a tag or not- Parka reverses a European uppercut to a submission in the most hideodeous manner humanly possible. Taylor breaks up the hold illegal and so Silver King just TOSSES IN A CHAIR and the ref is 100% fine with Parka just bashing both guys in the head with it (!!). And the next move is Regal’s, as he ignores the chair and just elbows Silver King in the head when he ducks. He hits a running dropkick (Lee Marshall is agog at this), then gets into an awkward brawl as there might be some language issues here- King just hops up to the top rope and gets Flair Tossed off. Regal tags out but keeps cheating as Taylor keeps it simple with a sleeperhold, then Regal comes in and does another “nail him when he ducks” move and hits the most awkward drop-toehold ever, SK seemingly not knowing what he’s doing until it’s too late and he’s out of position for it anyways (like “WTF? I’m right in the ropes and my partner is right here”). Man is Regal messed up on the good stuff tonight? Parka comes in and does an avalanche… but sells it like he’s being backdropped over while Regal just stands there, and Parka uses that to hit a Twisting Corkscrew Thingie off the top for two. Silver King now makes a babyface (??) comeback with punches and kicks dropping both giant dudes, then the Brits get rammed into each other. But Taylor slides to the floor, pushes Silver King off Regal, waits for the ref to turn around to make the tag, and finishes King with the Floatover Butterfly Suplex at (3:46 shown).
Oh man this was a MESS. Every time Regal got in there was all this weird awkwardness as it was like the luchadores though he was going for a different move than he did (at the Flair Toss, Regal seems to go for a superplex and change his mind, then does a drop-toehold at a weird position). Parka hitting a leaping avalanche and then struggling to get over Regal was bad, too (though it’s possible Parka just didn’t realize it was harder to do the “crush and move over” someone as tall as Regal). Regal being a mess at this point could lead to this, or it’s just standard miscommunication (there’s a reason lucha guys only do “lucha spots” with other guys who speak the “mat language” like themselves, Jericho, etc.), or it’s just that it’s WCW Pro and nobody gives a shit. Checking out Cagematch… this match apparently doesn’t exist, so this might be one of Regal’s last WCW matches before heading to the WWF as “The Real Man’s Man”, after the Goldberg incident burned him.
Rating: 1/4* (just a mess of a bout- not much flow, a bunch of low-effort stuff, then just plain bad miscommunication)
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. DAMIAN DEMENTO:
(WWF All-American Exclusive, April 11th 1993)
* Those lucky “All-American” viewers apparently got unique feature matches on the show, while poor Canadians like me lost out on these masterpieces. I mean, Hacksaw in his last year in the WWF taking on guys associated with the “middle period” between Savage’s run and Bret’s second? It’s WEIRD. Demento had long since been condemned to the jobber bin by this point.
Duggan immediately makes Demento’s “I’m craaaaaaaaaazy” bullshit gimmick look bad by clearing the ring with a chair and chasing him off so he can sit in it and do the thumb’s up, haha. They lock up, Duggan openly grabbing a handful of hair, and they exchange blows until Duggan blasts him down with some clotheslines, leading Demento to continue his conversation with the voices in the sky or whatever. Lord Alfred Hayes takes exception to Monsoon saying “She’s got one cooking!” about Hacksaw’s pregnant wife, totally ignoring the match, then Hacksaw just punches away on Demento, giving him NOTHING. I know, I’m shocked, too. Demento bails for a while and chokes him on the ropes when he gives chase, leading to Hacksaw stumbling about while being pummeled. Damian has the camera save his elbow from looking like shit (it misses by a foot but they cut away on “impact”) while Monsoon absolutely buries him “I don’t think Demento has enough things in his arsenal to put a guy like Hacksaw away”. He gets a decent leaping legdrop, but Hacksaw blocks a shot into the buckles and beats the shit out of him, hitting the ten punches and slamming him while Monsoon pops Hayes by going through a dozen probably-made-up medical terms for the part of the face being beaten, then a big slam sets up the Three Point Stance (football tackle) for the win at (3:46).
A very simple little match- perfectly cromulent and hard to fuck up. Hacksaw’s classic selfishness in the ring was on display, as he gleefully overpowered his opponent (Demento is NOT a small guy, but Duggan was noticeably larger), sells very little (and what he does is more of a “dazed stumble”, though that does look pretty good sometimes, if cartoonish), and repeatedly makes easy comebacks by no-selling (even when Demento’s in charge Duggan will start mauling him like a bear to not look weak). But I mean if commentary’s gonna bury him too, might as well get it over with- Demento was long since made a job guy.
Rating: ** (the “perfectly cromulent” tier of match- not that great but nobody fucks anything up, it’s short, and most of the brawling looked okay)
BILL GOLDBERG vs. ROCCO ROCK:
(WCW Nitro, April 13th 1998)
* YESSSSSSSSSSSS!! Not one, but TWO Rocco Rock vs. Goldberg matches! A year apart! Poor Rocco comes down alone with maximum “Jobbing Face” as he doesn’t even do his arm-waving to the “Here Comes The Hotstepper” knock-off theme. He’s actually 44 years old here, having debuted in 1978 (TPE was VERY late in his career)- he’s actually a year older than Savage & Piper were! Rocco’s in black with a do-rag.
They stand off, Rocco doing a very good job of emphasizing how small he is compared to this behemoth (he’s actually crouching and looks afraid), and when he gets a headlock, he’s launched all the way across the ring. Shoulderblock- no dice. Rocco tries to shove him and gets turned inside out with a single punch, flipping over himself. Goldberg runs into an elbow, but largely ignores it and tosses Rocco again. Rocco bails and gets kicked trying a sneaky axehandle on the floor, but again they just awkwardly stare at each other for a second, then Rocco pokes him in the eyes and THEN Goldberg swings and misses to hit the post. Rocco gets a shitty dropkick into the steps, knocking them over, which is some decent “desperation psychology”. And then the money spot- Rocco brings in a table and sets it up in the corner like a dumbass (like, WHAT IS HIS PLAN? Goldberg is a giant!) and BOOM SPEAR THROUGH THE TABLE MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRR! Jackhammer, goodnight at (2:39). The Flock comes down to taunt Goldberg again, and the mandatory “catch Kidman in mid-air” spot sees him just drop the guy and Spear Sick Boy right into the ropes. Kidman takes a shitty bump off of one (onto his FOREARM?)
Man, dig Rocco just flinging himself all over the place here- he’s about as old as I am in this clip and holy shit he’s just flipping inside-out on single strikes and launching himself out of grabs (he gets a GOOD duck-down every time). He was always kind of a stringy, imprecise wrestler, but this was good shit. Though there were still a few spots where they just sorta stand there looking at each other- Goldberg still needed to be led at this point and Rocco didn’t seem to know how.
Rating: * (awkward pauses and Rocco’s weak offense aside, it was a glorious ass-kicking with three huge bumps before the spot we all came here to see- a hapless chode getting blasted through a table)
BILL GOLDBERG vs. ROCCO ROCK (w/ Johnny Grunge):
(WCW Thunder, Aug. 1999)
* A year later (and a failed WWF run) sees Rocco back in the same position. He’s in the same colored gear while Grunge is here in… turquoise? Did he forget his other gear? Goldberg also has something weird… HEAD STUBBLE. Normally the dude was shorn clean up top.
This one’s a bit different, as Rocco takes exception to the crowd reaction for Goldberg, so hops up to try and get them to cheer for him… this doesn’t work, and then GOLDBERG mimics him, drawing a much bigger one. I love Rocco covering up his ears like this causes him pain, haha- it’s great when heels do that. Finally they lock up and Goldberg just tosses Rocco onto his ass, no-sells a shoulderblock, then press-slams him and hits an incoming Johnny Grunge with the Bretslayer. TPE bails for a while to regroup, but Rocco’s strat game is still “get thrown around like a ragdoll” as his punches are no-sold. Crossbody- no dice. Goldberg just front powerslams him. It’s weird watching Goldberg take his time and revel in the reactions instead of just steamrolling a dude. Funny bit as Rocco, still selling, screams “Chair!?” at Grunge, who has to point it out to him because he slid it into the ring further away. Grunge grabs Goldberg’s leg and grapples with him so Rocco can fire off a shot to the back with it. The ref got donked in the melee so Grunge hits the ring and they do a simply awful double-team flip-bump on Goldberg (Rocco drops early so it looks like shit), Rocco drills him with the chair, and then they telegraph the hell out of the same spot as the last match, only now it’s BOTH guys setting up the table. They delay turning around so much it’s obvious they’re waiting to turn the full way, because they’re like… halfway and just standing there with their heads down so they don’t accidentally look at Goldberg. But the fans still get what they want, which is BOTH members of The Public Enemy going through the table, which breaks gloriously (Grunge is left wrapped up in its remains) and Goldberg pins Rocco with the Jackhammer at (4:51).
This was fine- extended a bunch in the beginning with character stuff, Rocco heeling it up, and then TPE coming in to be dirty rotten cheaters to try and win, but still getting absolutely merked by a top guy- fitting stuff. The last spot was exposingly bad to start but like… we still got to see two men die on-camera, so it’s still okay!
Rating: * (another effective squash)
